Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Random Thoughts on My Life at this Point

I know I wasn’t put on this planet to consume, to get, to live selfishly. I know I was put here to reflect my Creator, to grow, to give, to learn, love, influence and be influenced, to stand and to fall, but to get back up and keep going. I wasn’t put here to go through tribulations and trials to have them not produce long term results of character. I wasn’t put here merely to take up space, to fill a place in society. If I weren’t here the world would be just fine, the world wouldn’t stop turning, my job would still get done by someone else, probably more qualified.

But I am here and the people, places, relationships, jobs, trials and temptations I’ve faced are so unique and yet so much like everyone else’s. Some of the experiences I’ve had I wouldn’t want others to have to go through and yet they have made me who I am and I think that is a pretty good thing at this point. Not because of me, but because of God who gives me the ability to learn, grow and change. Some days I want to lay in bed never to get back up again because the world seems too harsh and I’ve had just about all I can take of heart break and disappointments. Then there are the days when I can’t wait to begin and take on whatever it brings standing in the midst of pain, heart ache, loss and still having peace and joy. That contentment is what I truly desire to have each and every day. But I wrestle with myself daily to stay in this state. I find I have to literally tell myself to “stop!” or to redirect my thoughts so that my emotions don’t follow suit and next thing you know I’m way off base and being tossed around by every whim. I am thankful for what I have even though I feel I have lost a lot but I know that I am never alone even though at times all I can feel is loneliness.

So, I know that I’m not here merely by accident or by some fluke and all my experiences and pain is not all in vain. Some days I don’t want to be where I am, sometimes the pain of the past is too overwhelming and I just want to escape it, and other days I can’t wait to see what my next step in life will be. Yet, I still don’t quite know what I’m supposed to be doing right now. The phrase, “One day at a time, one moment at a time” has calmed my anxious heart and mind on many occasion. I may not know why I’ve been through what I have or where I will go or if I’ll share my life again with someone, but what I do know is that God promises to work ALL things together for my good. Romans 8:28 And I know I can trust Him, even when I DO NOT understand why or how or when….especially the why. But I know He loves me and has a purpose for me and I’m not here merely to take up space, but to live and live abundantly-whatever that may look like.